Mugi Kotobuki: Space Marine
by FarnesyFudge
Summary: Being an Adeptus Astartes in service of the Emperor requires a will of steel, immense combat abilities and unshakeable loyalty. Comically oversized eyebrows also help. As it happens, Mugi is the best Space Marine there is, mostly by virtue of being the only one in this story. (Copious amounts of stupidity and madness are to be found here.)


"I AM TEH UMLITATE SPHEES MAHREEN!" Yelled Mugi as she tore off her space-helmet, her dark red space-armour not really glinting in the dim space-sunlight filtering through the choking space-fumes and space-clouds that dominated the space-atmosphere. "FOUR TEH EMPRAH!" She roared at the top of her lungs, thrusting both her Power Axe and Chainsword skyward in a display of badass motherfuckery in defiance of and apropos to nothing in particular.

"GURLS CUN'T BE SPHEES MAHREENS! OMFS OH MY FUCKING SLAANESH!" Yelled some random Imperial Guardsman standing somewhere near Mugi during her display of unrivaled BAMF.

"STFU NOOB! IM 2 LEET 4 U!" Mugi responded to his criticism bitingly. So sick was the burn that the Guardsman promptly caught fire, running about screaming, cursing the God Emperor of Mankind and generally being a pussy. Then he died. "WE DYE IN TEH NUM OF TEH EMPRAH!" Mugi gave the noob his final respects.

Suddenly, there were Orks and stuff.

"EMPRAH PRESERVE MY SOLE! FGHIT!" Mugi roared as she charged forth to meet the Xenos scum in glorious battle.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!" The Orks yelled in unison, like some 2-bit middle school choir on an off-day in summer when no-one really feels up to it but they sort of have to so they do it but they're still kind of reluctant.

Mugi's Chainsword found it's intended target, the teeth biting viciously into the cranium of the first Ork she reached; she swung her Power Axe at the next nearest Ork and swiftly decapitated him as her Chainsword revved up, tearing apart the first unfortunate Ork's grey matter in a spray of bone, blood and squishy bits.

"DADDY WULD B PRAWD!" Mugi roared, wrenching her blade from it's cosy home in the Ork's brain. Having accomplished the grand feat of defeating all of two Orks, Mugi surveyed the carnage she had wrought.

They were both dead. As expected. No, really, you should've seen them; they got fucked up like you wouldn't believe!

Anyway, Mugi looked out at the remaining Orks with rage burning in her eyes. There were 18 trillion of them left. Or something around that, I don't know; there were alot of them so I couldn't be bothered to count, but believe me when I say there were a great many more than a handful of Orks.

"I NEED TO KIL FAST AND HIGLY ADVANSED WEPONREE TOO SLHOW!" Mugi's eyebrows began to vibrate and shake threateningly. Suddenly, like voracious birds of prey they flew off of Mugi's face. Flattening out and spinning at ludicrous speed, they flew forward like angry lawnmowers. Slicing and dicing like a party comprised of nothing but pizza and Dungeons and Dragons, the two violent eyebrows cut a swath of death through the Ork mooks; gore and guts were in plenty, with much screaming to be heard.

"WAAAAAGH!" Some of the hapless and easily killable Orks attempted to rally, but their efforts proved fruitless as they and their comrades were brutally dispatched with greater ease than Putties in a really boring episode of Power Rangers.

Their bloodlust sated, the weaponised eyebrows flew back over the fields of mutilated corpses, disembodied limbs and scattered entrails. They found their way back to Mugi's waiting face, where they quickly reattached themselves, thick streams of blood trailing down Mugi's face.

"I LUV TEH SMEL OF NAYPAM IN TEH MORNIN!" Mugi roared at the sky.

"OMFE! THIERS A WARBOSS OVER THERE!" An Imperial Guardsman pointed his rifle in the general direction of an Ork who had survived Mugi's massacre. "I D SHOOT HIM BUTT MY RYEFULS JAMMED!"

Suddenly the whole area was bathed in a feiry red light as a meteor pierced the thick veil of space-smog in the space-atmosphere and fell towards the space-ground.

"WOTS DAT?" Inquired the Ork as he looked upwards at the UFO (Unidentified Falling Object, that is). As if to answer the simpletons question, the meteor crashed directly into him. One in a million shot, really. The force of the impact caused the Ork to explode, sending body parts flying everywhere, and the ground beneath it was cracked a bit.

"WAYT! TAT'S NO MOON!" The Imperial Guardsman pointed both his rifle and his finger at the big rock. As if on cue, the rock exploded. From within burst the actual Warboss that the Guardsman had previously pointed out but hadn't actually been there at the time. The Warboss stood to his full height, around eleven feet or so. And let me tell you, that's pretty fucking tall. He flashed the devil horns with his chunky Ork fingers as he opened his half-Ork, half-steel replacement mouth.

"WAAAAAAAAA~AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~AAAAAAAAAAGH~~!" He gave the greatest metal scream the universe had ever heard; the kind of full bodied roar of pure, undiluted awesomeness that Noise Marines strive to achieve their whole lives. So awesomely fucking metal was this scream that the Imperial Guardsman's face promptly melted and he died on the spot.

"HEES LUWER JAW IS MAED OF METAL LIKE MY LINKIN PARK CDS AT HOME! TATS WHY HIS VOYCE IS SOOO AWESOME!" Mugi roared reasonably. She resolved to do the only logical thing one could possibly do in such a situation.

Pulling out her electric guitar and Pick of Destiny, Mugi began to play a song. A generic, copyright-free song that she was certain wouldn't be taken down from Youtube after being flagged by corporate executives on a confusing and self-defeating crusade against fair use.

Regardless, said song was metal. I mean really fucking metal. So metal that everything in a ten mile radius would've been turned into pure wrought iron and industrial steel, akin to Midas and his golden touch; that is if alchemy wasn't a total load of bullshit.

Needless to say, the beast was stunned. So stunned in fact, that his head exploded, sending chunks of brain material everywhere. However, the Warboss was too awesome to be killed off so quickly, so his head reformed back where it had previously been, pre-cranial detonation. Unfortunately, his brain did not get the memo and remained exploded.

"WAAGH?" He asked, confused.

"UR EXHISTANSE IS A INSALT TO TEH EMRAH! YU MUTS BE PURGED!" Mugi roared so loud it caused the Ork Warboss' skeleton to vibrate at an exceptionally high frequency. This, coupled with his currently empty skull causing a resonance cascade or some such shit, made the Ork's skeleton fly apart, tearing the Warboss to bloody pieces as limbs flew asunder and body structure was lost.

"VICTREE OR DEETH!" Roared Mugi skywardly.

* * *

Azusa, Mio and Ritsu stared in disbelief at the paper before them.

"Is this some kind of joke Mugi?" Ritsu crossed her arms impertinently.

"It certainly was...interesting?" Mio offered.

"I don't mean to offend you, Mugi-senpai, but we asked you to write out a song, not shoddily put together fanfiction about yourself." Azusa scolded.

"YOLO swag bitches!" Mugi said from behind her Blood Angels codex.

"I'd like to try performing this song on stage! I think it's really edgy!" Yui said excitedly. Nobody else agreed with her.

"Well, I wouldn't mind seeing more of this kind of writing from you Mugi." Sawako said diplomatically.

"Sawa-chan?! What is wrong with you?!" Azusa, Mio and Ritsu yelled in unison.

"Come on, that was fucking metal as fuck!" Sawako defended.

"Amen, sister." Mugi roared daintily in agreement.


End file.
